Who gives a F**k? - A Poem in One Part and a Poet in Many Pieces

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Apologies to a faceless Internet crowd are mental masturbation. The truth is no one enjoys this echo chamber, not even me.

I'm in a black mod today. Dark, dank evil. A "fuck you" mood. A "kick kittens" and "piss on babies" mood.

I'm angry. Angsty. Regretful. Defeated. This is not, contrary to some perspectives, my normal state. This is my now state.

I could care less how to be nice and play well. I want to wail and rail and whine and shake my fists at the apathetic world.

This is an expression of rage and frustration. A statement of loss and regret. I am not who I want to be. I can see that person.

I imagine who he is, but I am not he. I will never be that person. That goal is unattainable. That goal is shit. That face is false and the belief that I would be happy and content as that person is false as well.

I am not a perfectionist seeking the best in all and every effort. I claim to seek excellence yet I fail to accept my performance. I cannot be happy. I must strive for better because any goal I hit is a goal set too low.

Can I medicate this? Can I sublimate this? No. I need this. This drive. This desire. It makes me feel. The pain makes me remember I am alive, remember that I am me.

The bed is made. The position preordained. I must accept it one day. Maybe on my dying day I can, but I doubt it.

My limits are legion. My strengths finite, but my ambitions are unlimited and my failures aligned.

I want to be a petulant child, forgiven his outbursts, his cries for attention.. but I am a man not a boy.

Sharing such thought is taboo. Weakness. Failing. Inadequate.

I am unhappy.

I am dissatisfied.

I am defeated.

This facade I wear is not strong enough to hide such emotions.

I can go through the motions.

I can play the strong one.

I can act the better man, but in the end I am not he.

I am me.

Disclaimer: This is a poem.. not a blog entry about my present state of mind..

Comments

  1. Jared Cherup11:32 PM, November 26, 2012

    I've often given the "I'm not the person I want to be" thought. It's a quandary that's for sure. But, on the flipside, I do my very best to not have regrets. Mostly because: if I would have changed one thing in the past it would have spiralled and altered the present in ways I could never determine (butterfly effect, not the Kutch movie). There are many aspects that I would not be willing to give up. That's one perspective.

    As for being dissatisfied, although you are defeated you will rise. That's been my motto for this year, and it's worked for me. You are a strong, intelligent, talented person, and you need a break. Soon you'll be able to take the reins of the hardy steed named Life, and ride it into more scenic vistas.

    Hang in there Shawn, and let me know if you want to get together if you have the time.

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